Of Scandals and Shoes: The Balthier Diaries
by truelove08
Summary: Some things are best left alone...including Balthier's secret diary. An account of Balthier's glamorous history, aged 16-23, detailing frolics with Fran and fashion faux pas.
1. Chapter 1

**Of Scandals and Shoes: The Balthier Diaries**

**Chapter 1 - Learning the Skills**

**Day 1**

I, Ffamran Mid Bunansa, am a walking sex god. Father disagrees and has confined me to room to study. Suspect is low point in our relationship.

**Day 2**

New Archades is stifling talents. People complaining to Father am too flirtatious with their wives. Claim is unfair and unfounded, as have only slept with two women this week.

**Day 3**

Today sneaked out of room to visit Old Archades for Grand Adventure. Met dashing young man. Said name was Jules, and has sexy beard.

_LATER_

Suspect I would look dashing with beard of own.

**Day 4**

Saw Jules again today. Told of plans for beard, but laughed at me. Like Jules less, but will persevere.

**Day 5**

Checked in mirror, but no sign of beard. I will give it another day.

**Day 6**

Still no beard. Perhaps will write epic poem to pass time.

**Day 7**

What is wrong with me?

**Day 14**

Aha! Chin has hair. Looks eloquent and suave.

**Day 15**

Father dislikes beard. Called me a disgrace to Bunansa name. Will run away with Jules to spite him.

**Day 18**

Showed Jules fruits of labour today. Told me was not real beard, but unsightly facial fuzz in akin to a dandy moogle. Perhaps running away with Jules would be bad idea.

**Day 20**

Has been over week since fulfilled lusty desires. Women dislike sexy beard. Female species remain mystery to self.

**Day 21**

Shaved off beard. Am sex god again!

**Day 30**

Father has forgotten prior fiasco and took me to play in Rabanastre. Was tragic drama but the leading man did not die. Said protagonist called Balthier. .

_LATER_

Checked Father's room for liquor misuse. Found nothing.

**Day 40**

Meaning of paternal attention now clear. I am to be made Judge. Am hated by own father. Will write poetry about despair.

**Day 41**

Met with Judge Gabranth today to discuss training and duties and such. Judge armour shiny and impressive. Maybe idea is not bad after all!

**Day 45**

Started training as Judge. Only had to practise marching. Reached one hundred marches on first try. Suspect not good for intellect but will persevere for sake of sexy armour.

**Day 50**

Marched 200 times today until severe leg cramps. Am sure there will be more to regime shortly.

**Day 60**

Feet blistered. Miss Jules.

**Day 65**

Talked to Father about judgely duties. He talked to wall. Feel neglected and unloved.

**Day 67**

Wall has name: Vinnie. Thought was odd, until remembered am self called Ffamran, so makes sense in long run.

**Day 70**

Gabranth said am making progress now hope renewed. Can now march 275 times with no leg cramps. Am now practising shouting 'HALT' in most impressive voice. Have become real man.

**Day 71**

Father will only talk to Vinnie. Now call him Cid to annoy.. Am still ignored.

**Day 73**

Am now officially a real Judge! Bit quick as training normally takes at least year, but suppose am abnormally talented. Tonight will enjoy lavish ceremony with wine and banquet. NOTE: Curl hair for ceremony.

**Day 74**

Am never drinking wine again. Woke up in Jules' hovel half dressed and cannot remember anything. Jules inexplicably annoyed, but he is not one who has misplaced shirt.

_LATER_

Jules demanding chops for silence. Suspect this is end of friendship. Shame as his beard still irresistible.

**Day 78**

Today marched around New Archades in sexy new armour. No felons were present, so was very bored.

**Day 79**

Today a young child saw helmet and fled for life. Fear good looks have been compromised by judge status.

**Day 80**

The horror! Gabranth has advised me not to pursue romantic follies now that am Judge. Not sure career is worth life of chastity.

**Day 91**

Fears have been confirmed! Women are repulsed by ugly helmet and avoid me at all times. Judge duties are tiring and boring, as still not used to bloody armour. Plus suspect Judge Ghis holds sinister intentions, as I have received several wanton advances. Am resigning position immediately.

**Day 92**

Located Cid, who was talking to Vinnie again. Am unsure what to do. Perhaps wall is currently possessed by evil demonic spirit and is controlling Cid in nefarious ways. Will destroy wall tomorrow.

**Day 93**

Turns out Vinnie not a wall! Vinnie is Cid's imaginary friend, and is actually called Vinner. Easy mistake to make in my opinion.

_LATER_

Cid has acquired a laugh alike to a mad scientist. Can take no more, so am packing things and leaving tomorrow to pursue life ambition of becoming a bard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Heeding the Call**

**Day 94**

Blood ties demand I tell Cid of departure. Am sure he will insist on staying, and am prepared for painful argument.

LATER

Cid far more interested in practising soliloquy, and so have left note explaining departure. He will be sorry when am famous.

**Day 95**

Have arrived in Tchita Uplands. Journey longer than expected. Perhaps should not have packed half of clothes collection. At least locality peaceful, where now can write inspired odes to clouds.

**Day 96**

Foul serpent stole belongings! Am now without spare clothes and hygiene products.

Will battle beast to reclaim goods, as this totally unacceptable.

_LATER_

Serpent's teeth large and alarming. Perhaps life without possessions is beneficial to art.

**Day 98**

Have reached Phon Coast, where have reached new levels of distress. Fear for hair, as it is currently defying sense of gravity.

**Day 99**

Have been kidnapped by pirates and am being held hostage for imaginary gil! Will die filthy and poor.

_LATER_

Offered services to captors, and have become an honorary sky pirate on their ship. Am now villainous cabin boy called Stiltzkin . Is at least better than being dead.

**Day 112**

Disappointingly my services consist only of polishing ugly shoes. Airship stinks of sweat and vomit and seems to be permanently docked on coast. Life of sky pirate is over rated.

**Day 116**

Still on Phon Coast. Suspect airship broken. Suggested this to captain who clipped me over head with shoe.

**Day 145**

Still docked. Perhaps this is illegal piracy of footwear?

**Day 150**

Hate crew, who laugh at name. Should have called self Balthier, which sounds refined and impressive, not the least like one that dwells in swamps.

**Day 160**

Suspect need new shoes of own.

**Day 172**

Today, scantily clad Giza Rabbit came aboard ship offering services. Pirates very pleased. Am happy too. Perhaps will have company in polishing shoes.

**Day 173**

Turns out pirates had other things in mind for new recruit. Keep trying to entice her into cabins with leery looks and rum. Know this will not end well, as recall that Giza Rabbits rather fearsome when provoked.

**Day 174**

Giza Rabbit not a Giza Rabbit, but in actuality mad Viera from primitive jungle! Would explain ability to scare of entire crew with self defence techniques and supernatural manipulation of mist. Although cannot remember: is it Giza Rabbits or Viera that eat humes?

_LATER_

Am now alone in engine room of ship. Will wait for mad Viera to leave.

**Day 175**

Have been discovered by Viera in engine room due to untimely sneezing. Introduced self as Captain Balthier and claimed ship product of crew mutiny. Seems to believe story for time being, although hope she is not too familiar with Rabanastran play. She introduced herself as Fran, and is a real sky pirate. Suggested we become partners. Am dubious, as this will interfere with life ambitions, but cannot refuse. Fran wears terrifying headgear.

**Day 176**

Fran wishes to use present ship for sky pirating ends. Ha! She is welcome to try!

**Day 177**

Fran busy trying to fix airship, so am at loss what to do. Perhaps will enjoy leisurely walk on coast.

_LATER_

550 marches! A record!

**Day 178**

Fran still struggling. Feel guilty. Perhaps ship needs a man's touch. Will look at engine soon, am sure past experience studying Archadian airships will be fruitful.

**Day 190**

Fran growing impatient, and suspects am a fraud. Will now prove am engineering genius in Bunansa name.

_LATER_

Engine exploded. The ship must be cursed!

**Day 191**

Fran now distrusts my engineering skills and has demoted me to cleaning ship. Worried for ship's welfare, as Fran has wild Viera eyes.

**Day 230**

Engine fixed! Ship flyable! Love Fran! Have offered her honour of naming ship, as is only fair.

_LATER_

Strahl? What sort of name is 'Strahl?!'

**Day 231**

The Strahl is not perfect, but ready for flying. Cannot wait for departure, as am sick of sight of Phon Coast, which has done irreversible damage to coiffure. Am rather excited about forthcoming adventures in air. Wonder what it is sky pirates do exactly?

_LATER_

Fran expects me to fly airship as I am _Captain_. Damn.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Reaping the Rewards**

**Day 252**

_Good News_:Have vastly improved airship skills, and can now fly Strahl with ease.

_Bad News_: Ship is almost unrecognisable due to numerous collisions with cliffs.

**Day 256**

It appears that Fran quite enjoys highlighting my faults. Is hard to argue with a woman who wears little clothes.

**Day 260**

_We fly so flossily through the clouds_

_Dancing with flagrant sunbeams_

_Man return'd to crystal sky_

_At one with purple soul._

Read snippet of new poem to Fran, who was rendered speechless. Success!

**Day 297**

Fran has suggested that we add weapons to the Strahl. Feel it is more important to consider carpeting first?

**Day 298**

Although guns would affirm masculinity

**Day 299**

To upgrade ship, one requires Gil. Hinted to Fran that taverns constantly in need of dancers, but she was rather unsupportive.

**Day 303**

Have started to visit more taverns, as Fran claims we may find leads for treasure hunts.

_NOTE_: Discovered tavern wenches provide free drinks when mention am sky pirate. Accent helps too.

**Day 307**

Still no leads. Wonder if sky pirates actually exist or are a figment of Fran's imagination...

Day 310

If Fran is indeed unhinged and dangerous, it is perhaps necessary to hide diary containing incriminating information. But where...?

_LATER_

Aha! Drawer designated for undergarments should conceal diary from female eyes!

**Day 340**

Has been weeks and still nothing. I blame Fran's coarse manner with men.

**Day 341**

Decided I would talk to tavern owner this time. Man was impressed by tone of voice and body contact . Claims there is valuable treasure deep in Henne Mines!

Fran unconvinced, but am sure is classic case of jealousy.

**Day 345**

Days running weaponless through the mines chased by bats. We have acquired a treasure chest and are back on Strahl!

_LATER_

Alas! Chest contained only cheap jewellery fit for small children.

**Day 346**

Fran now calls me failure and has threatened to end partnership. She wants Strahl, but perhaps she will take treasure instead? Jewellery rather attractive in own gaudy way.

**Day 347**

Went to offer treasure to Fran but caught her whittling weapons out of twigs. Sensed would not be good time to disturb, particularly given her current irrational state.

**Day 349**

Interesting. The rings and bracelets fit me like a charm.

Perhaps will not offer to Fran after all.

**Day 374**

Fran has spoken civilly for first time in weeks. She says will continue our professional partnership if we up stakes from now on. Which apparently means using weaponry in even more dangerous locations. Explained am skilled with poles, but was laughed at. Handed me delightful wooden sword with blunt edge to be used in close contact with deplorable fiends.

Fran has impressive bow and arrow that she can use out of harm's way.

Am putting two and two together and have come to conclusion that Fran wishes me dead.

**Day 380**

Found hunt advertisement on Rabanastran noticeboard, and will set out soon. Am not sure am prepared for this. Perhaps a quick drink to ease nerves.

_LATER_

Realize am failed literary genius with bad hair. Another drink.

_LATER_

Women impressed am going on dangerous hunt! Although less impressed when tell them I may die in horrific manner.

One more drink.

_LATER_

Am unfashionable and unsightly! No wonder Fran despises me!

**Day 381**

OH GODS! MY EARS!

**Day 382**

Fran spent the better part of yesterday nursing me back to health. Am unsure of exact circumstances as woke up in filthy ditch, but it appears that whilst incapacitated by drink I allowed someone to pierce my ears with cactuar needles.

Odd, but Fran is less hostile now have shared near death experience and entire vial of Remedy.

Will allow pierced holes to heal up as soon as possible, as style ill befits countenance.

**Day 396**

Fran finally knows am not captain of any kind, after careful guesses. She also thinks am twenty one, so feel no resentment.

_NOTE_: Resume hunt tomorrow.

**Day 410**

Successful defeat of crazed wyrm in Uplands resulted in treasure! Found chest with splendid earrings! Fran not impressed with my new accessory, but at least we accumulated 2000 Gil reward from sinister bangaa.

Sky pirating lark is not so irksome after all.

**Day 478**

Fran has agreed that following several successful expeditions, we can now spend our earnings. She was quite keen on visiting Archadian stores, but managed to convince that a quick trip to Nalbina would suffice.

_Shopping List_

A gun, as cheap and light as possible.

The most fashionable shoes available. Fran's footwear puts mine to shame.

Upgrades for Strahl. Perhaps tinkering with the ship will pass the time well.

New clothes. Am sky pirate not mad pickpocket. Perhaps something loose and elegant over tight leather.


End file.
